


Quiet Desperation

by Bella_Monoxide



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Desperation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, Panic, Panic Attack, emotionally hurt Daryl, inner turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:20:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5186789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bella_Monoxide/pseuds/Bella_Monoxide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daryl has only made it back to the ASZ a short while ago, when he discovers something without intending to do so - unfortunately, it has an impact on him that he did not foresee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Right after I saw a gif of that kiss in S06E05 I had this image in my mind and knew that I had to sit down and write a oneshot about it. Well. We all know how those tend to turn out, right? Here is to hoping I get this whole thing done within a week. Ugh.

He had wandered the so called Alexandria Safe Zone after hours to clear his head. In the house he and the other members of his group shared he felt trapped, which only added to his already existing feelings of restriction.

Sure, he had one of them so called jobs now, and people respected him for his hunting and providing skills some, but there were others to do that, too. It was not that special anymore, not like it had been when it was just them – out there, alone, fending for themselves only.

Tonight he had felt especially stir-crazy, and went out with the half assed excuse to walk by Aaron and Eric's, see if he could tinker around with his bike some more. But in reality, he had just needed to get out for awhile.

Even though he had only just gotten back from playing the apocalyptic version of the Pied Piper to a herd of walkers, the walls around Alexandria had started to have their usual effect on him as soon as he had gotten back.

He thought how weird it was that he had felt more free in the danger one of the biggest herd he had ever encountered so far had posed to him than he did within the confinement of this town. Then again, that had always been his nature, in a way.

Wandering the few streets there were, he found quickly that his feeling of suppression was only heightened, even if he could not see the walls surrounding he town at all times. The walls, he thought and huffed audibly.

These people, so naive in their trust, whether it be in the walls, the people working to keep the town running, or Deanna being in charge. What he and his group had witnessed outside these walls was a totally different matter, but it appeared as if nobody here wanted to hear that.

The sheer size of some herds they had encountered during their wanderings would steamroller the walls, eventually at least. Like the one he had managed to lead astray just that day. It could easily have ended differently, though. And then what, he asked himself, laughing mirthlessly.

Even the herd that had been gathering in that quarry near the ASZ had not opened everyone's eyes, and he was beginning to feel that these people were a lost cause.

If it had not been for Judith and Carl, they would have stayed only as long as it would have taken them to recharge their batteries, tend to their wounds, to heal. Then they would have been out those gates again, searching their luck elsewhere – or at least that was what he preferred to think.

He was neither blind nor stupid. Of course he had seen the way with which Rick had watched that blonde woman, and their leader's further actions had only confirmed his assumptions, what with harassing her husband and eventually killing him, even.

Wondering what he might be up to next, concerning that woman who resembled a faint echo of what Rick used to have – the perfect family, living in a perfect house in an oh so perfect town – he kept on walking.

Taking in his surroundings to find out where he had ended up during his musings, he noticed that his body had involuntarily carried out a weird plan his subconscious must have cooked up since he found himself close to her house – Jessie's.

Feeling annoyed, he huffed and made to turn around, when he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. Once he took a closer look, he found himself unable to tear his eyes away, and so he stood transfixed.

Helplessness sneaking up on him from behind, he watched as Rick talked to Jessie behind the window, and he involuntarily kept his fingers crossed that they were just chatting.

It would be fine, he tried to soothe himself when his breath had already left him, they were just talking about some arrangement concerning Judith or something similarly mundane, and Rick would turn around and leave any moment now.

Incapable of turning his eyes away from the unfolding events, he kept on watching as Rick crossed the few steps between him and her, grabbed Jessie and kissed her full on the mouth, without even the slightest hint of hesitation.

His vision blurred. As soon as he managed to tear his feet away from the ground where they had appeared to have taken root, he turned around and almost ran away, trying to pull air through his throat that refused to cooperate.

He had almost reached the house where Eric and Aaron lived when he had to bend over to put his head between his knees. With an audible thump he sat down, stars and funny looking lights tumbling in front of his eyes.

Even when he sqeezed them close, the lights stayed, and it took what felt like forever for his breath to return to a somewhat normal pattern and his vision to clear. Looking up and around himself, he wondered that nobody had heard him, since the turmoil inside had sounded so overly loud to his own ears.

Slowly, he got up and began to walk – only to halt again after just a few steps, thinking. Where would he go now? Back to the home they all shared, his people would know something was wrong the minute he walked into the door.

Sure, not everyone would have the guts to call him out on it, but he did not feel like testing that theory and hoping that the ones who might would not cross his path. No. Tonight, he needed to stay away, hide somewhere, anywhere...

The door to the garage in which his bike was parked caught his eye, and he almost slapped his own forehead for overlooking the obvious. He went inside, avoiding any sound, and switched on the light – or tried to, anyway, before he remembered that it was after curfew by now, so the light stayed out.

Abandoning his initial plan to work on the bike, he hunkered down in a corner, making himself as small as possible. He called himself stupid for even considering to check the bike over, and not just because of the lighting situation.

If he tinkered around in here, the garage attached to Aaron and Eric's house, the men surely would hear something and come looking; most likely armed, too. He shook his head.

And while he was still trying to figure out why he reacted the way he did to the scene he had just witnessed, it suddenly occured to him that he had spent a lot of time during his life in exactly the posture he had involuntarily slipped into.

Within his mind, the childhood memories streamed back into his conscious like a river once the dam was broken, and he found himself unable to stop the flood. He pressed his palms against his forehead in agony as they began to fight a relentless fight against the images starring Rick and Jessie, filling his ears with a rushing sound that cut off anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl is lost but found; later on, an option for comfort is posed. But the decision to accept it is up to Daryl...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks go out to all the lovely people who gave this story a shot, many of them leaving kudos and/or a comment!  
> Additional thanks to my (pharmtech) girl for letting me bounce ideas off of you, and bless me with your thoughts and suggestions. 
> 
> Please note! New tags have been added!

Aaron jolted awake to a heartbeat that was way too fast to be considered a normal sleeping pattern. Somewhat belatedly being considerate about his partner Eric, he made to quietly slip out of bed without rousing him, to investigate a noise he thought he heard in his sleep.

But when he looked over to make sure Eric was still sound asleep, he saw himself faced with a bleary eyed redhead. Blinking his beautifully coloured eyes a few times, Eric whispered "What is it, Aaron? You heard something?"

Nodding, Aaron whispered back for Eric to stay in bed, but his stubborn boyfriend refused, his legs already hitting the floor as he grabbed for the flashlight on his bedside table. Aaron sighed and quietly pleaded with Eric to at least let him go first, which he readily agreed to.

They headed off, with Aaron in the lead, trying to tread as silently as possible, which proved to be especially difficult for Eric, since his ankle was still not fully healed.

When Aaron had reached the door to the garage adjoining their house, he put a finger over his lips and gripped his knife more firmly before he opened the door very carefully. At first, with only the combined illumination of their flashlights, he thought that there was nothing amiss.

Aaron was about to turn around and admit that his imagination must have been overactive, his mind playing tricks on him, when Eric gasped audibly.

Pointing to the corner furthest away from the door they were currently standing in, Eric whispered "Go and try to talk to him, I'll go to the kitchen and prepare something to drink."

While Aaron tried to process what Eric had grasped in a matter of seconds, his partner had already turned around and carfully limped back to the kitchen. Aaron shook his head and briefly smiled to himself, a feeling of equal parts pride and amusement over Eric's reaction blooming in his chest.

He turned around and approached the figure crouching in the corner. Squatting down, he carefully avoided to crowd the obviously distraught man in and spoke quietly. "Daryl? Can you hear me?"

But the hunter did not respond, and Aaron's feeling of alarm went through the roof. Reluctant to touch Daryl for fear he might be startled and lash out, he stuck to the verbal type of approach. But after a couple more tries, one as fruitless as the other, he felt like his options were running thin.

In the end, he decided on putting his hand on Daryl's shoulder with a firm grasp and repeat his name. Daryl looked up at Aaron, confusion clearly visible on his face.

Thankful that the hunter did not react with full blown panic, Aaron quietly explained to him where he was, and how he and Eric had come to find Daryl in their garage. It took a while for Daryl to get his recollection back, and Aaron waited patiently, his hand never leaving Daryl's shoulder.

When he felt that the hunter was ready to get up, he offered to help him and guided him into the living room, where Eric sat waiting with cold drinks. Once again amazed over his partner's personality, Aaron watched as Eric greeted Daryl and welcomed him in their home.

He proceeded to offer him a drink, explaining that a hot chocolate would have been better, but sweet juice might help just as well, before he calmly told Aaron to take as much time as needed. He himself would leave him and Daryl to talk.

He got up to go back to bed, but Aaron intercepted him for a tight hug. After a whispered thanks into Eric's ear, Aaron let his partner go and sat back down on the sofa, not too close to Daryl, but not too far away either.

He wanted to ensure that Daryl felt his presence, knowing that Aaron was there for him. They sat without talking for some time before Aaron asked Daryl how he came to be in their garage in the first place.

The hunter looked up at Aaron with a haunted expression and pleading eyes. Aaron held his gaze for a while, a silent exchange taking place between the two recruiters, but in the end, Aaron shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Daryl, but not talking about what happened will only make it worse. Trust me on that." He explained, and the hunter cast his eyes down, defeated, when Aaron continued. "I didn't mean to say that you have to talk about it right now."

Aaron paused until Daryl looked back up and into his eyes before he continued. "However, it would be better for you to get it off your chest sooner rather than later."

An angry expression appeared on Daryl's face, and Aaron hurried to continue with his hands held up in a calming gesture. "Think about it. It's always easier to lash out, but that doesn't really help. As I said, I know what I'm talking about."

Aaron laughed without humour. "Believe me, growing up being gay in one of the most bigoted households in all of Georgia wasn't a picnick." He sighed before he added an additional tidbit of information. "There were many a situation that left me literally breathless."

For minutes after that admission, Daryl let his gaze drift, and Aaron decided to give him some more time. He had begun to feel a bit cold, and got up to get one of the blankets they kept in the living room to drape it over his legs.

Handing an extra to Daryl, he kindly asked him to drink some more, or else Eric would be likely to rip him a new one – if Daryl could please pardon the unintentional pun. That drew an honest laugh out of the hunter, and Aaron felt grateful for that.

After appearing to be unsure as to what to do with the blanket, Daryl visibly gave up on caring about how it might make him look like a girl and draped it around his shoulders, then took a long drink from his juice. Aaron watched him when an idea stroke him.

"How about you write it down instead of saying it out loud? You think that might help?" He asked Daryl and got up to search for pen and paper, handing it over to the baffled hunter. Sitting back down, Aaron continued. "Just keep it simple, like, a few notes or keywords."

Daryl leaned back against the sofa, clearly lost in thought. Then, moments later, he began to scribble. When he handed the note to Aaron, it only contained three words:

 

_Rick kissed Jessie_

 

Aaron hesitated, unsure if he read the situation correctly. He and Eric had talked about their suspicions concerning the hunter and his possible preferences when it came to sexual relations, but so far they had not reached a consensus.

Aaron had suspected that Daryl and Carol might have started something with each other in the past, or, if that was not the case, they might do so in the future. Eric, on the other hand, was totally convinced that Daryl was so far in the closet it would take a tow truck to forcefully pull him out.

He looked over at Daryl, all huddled up in the blanket now, and Aaron's heart broke for him as he appeared to be utterly lost.

Deciding that a straightforward approach might be best, Aaron asked "So let me clarify. You saw Rick kissing her?" Daryl's whole demanor signaled how uncomfortable he was with the topic, but he did manage a nod.

"Hm." Aaron said to gain some time to think that over. "You got any idea why that had such an impact on you?" He asked, and the hunter looked more desolate than before, if that was even possible.

Daryl shook his head and shrugged, sinking in on himself. He avoided Aaron's gaze, and just as he was about to ask Daryl if it might be possible that he had feelings for the leader of his group that exceeded friendship, the hunter whispered something under his breath.

Aaron bent towards him, but did not manage to catch it. "Can you repeat that, please?" He asked, but the hunter did not speak again. "Daryl?" Aaron whispered. "Please?"

Looking up and into Aaron's eyes, Daryl held his gaze while he repeated what he had mumbled. Shocked to find his suspicions concerning Daryl's childhood confirmed, Aaron wanted nothing more than to wrap the hunter up in his arms to comfort him.

When they had talked about Daryl, Eric and Aaron had found that they agreed with each other when the topic shifted towards Daryl's family, or, more specifically, his and his brother's parents.

But even though Daryl's admission was not exactly a surprise, Aaron was still at a loss as to what to do with it.

His natural instinct collided with the hunter's personality big time here, since, seeing how averse to such contact Daryl was on any given day, Aaron highly doubted that he would tolerate it now out of all times. Feeling like he had reached his wits' end, Aaron hung his head.

When Daryl quietly asked him what was on his mind minutes later, Aaron looked at him again. But before he could answer, the hunter pleaded "Don't pity me, Aaron. Happened a long time ago, anyways..." He drifted off, looking into the distance.

Drawing a deep breath, Aaron began to explain himself, but he found it hard not to let his anger show. "I don't pity you. I am sorry that happened to you, and that's not necessarily pity. But that's not even why I felt so defeated just now."

Aaron stopped for a moment, and Daryl used that to cut in. "Don't think there's such a big difference, if any." He shrugged his shoulders again. "So what was it, then?"

"I wanted to hug you, comfort you. But I don't think you'd let me." Aaron answered, his gaze practically dripping with honesty.

Daryl sighed audibly, and for the longest time, both men looked at each other. Eventually, Daryl whispered hoarsely "I don't think I can."

Aaron let some time pass, during which Daryl drank some more juice since Aaron had topped his glass off in order to get him to drink more fluids. But when the hunter had put the glass back down on the table, Aaron cleared his throat.

When Daryl looked at him again, Aaron asked "Wanna try?" He put his arm on the backrest of the sofa in a subtle invite for Daryl to scoot over and held his gaze. Not daring to say anything else for fear of scaring the troubled hunter off, Aaron waited.

To him, it felt like hours later, but in the end, Daryl did move into Aaron's arms. Not hesitating for even the fraction of a second, Aaron wrapped both arms around Daryl's shoulders – which promptly began to shake.

The hunter's inner turmoil began to uncoil, wether he liked it to or not, and Aaron made up his mind right then and there to not leave Daryl's side until he had calmed back down. Eventually, his sobbing subsided somewhat, and Daryl was able to whisper.

He told Aaron in a broken voice how he had walked around the ASZ after his arrival. How the walls surrounding Alexandria still made him feel queasy. How he reacted to that kiss he saw. And how he ended up back in Aaron and Eric's garage.

Aaron nodded in understanding. He rolled all the information he got from Daryl around in his head for a while before he asked the hunter some questions, starting with "Is that why you agreed to join me? You know, to recruit?"

Daryl nodded. "Yeah," he murmured. "Was an easy out. 'Sides," he added, sounding close to amused, "it does play to my strengths, huh?" Aaron could not help but to smile at Daryl in agreement.

Some time passed before Aaron picked up their conversational thread again. "So," he gingerly moved on, "I'm assuming that what happend to you today somehow reminded you about your past?"

When Daryl confirmed that, Aaron offered. "You wanna talk about it?"

The hunter moved back to his former spot on the sofa, shaking his head, as Aaron used the moment to get him some Kleenex. Daryl blew his nose and tried to dry his tears covertly, but Aaron just smiled at him.

To give Daryl a moment, Aaron got up and went to get some bedding for the hunter, who looked as if he might fall asleep any moment now. When he returned, his gaze was met by Daryl's quizzical look.

The hunter quirked an eyebrow, his chin jerking in the direction of the blankets topped off with a fluffy pillow gathered in Aaron's arms. "I assumed that you would stay here tonight – well, technically speaking, it is already morning." Aaron explained, a twinkle in his eye.

He put the items on the sofa, not caring about Daryl's half-hearted protest. "I suggest that you use the bathroom instead of denying the obvious," he talked over Daryl, who smiled involuntarily. "I put a new toothbrush into the guest bathroom."

Shaking his head, Daryl went and did as told. When he returned, clad in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt Aaron had placed under said toothbrush to make sure that the hunter would not miss them, Daryl found the sofa all made up for him to sleep on.

He laid down awkwardly as Aaron bid him goodnight. But when he made to leave the living room, Daryl whispered something that Aaron did not quite catch. "Could you repeat that, please?" He said politely.

Daryl blushed and cast his eyes down as he asked a little louder this time "Don't leave me."

Finding himself unable to deny such a request, Aaron dragged the armchair in a position that enabled him to put his legs up, as he sat back down, Daryl's pillow at his side.

That was how Eric found them later that morning when he got down to make breakfast. He smiled to himself as he took in the scene, thinking that Aaron might be complaining about a crick in his neck all day, and he almost giggled.

Eric went into the kitchen and began to set the table for three, thinking about the serene scene he had just witnessed, with Daryl sleeping on the sofa, his head resting on a pillow at Aaron's side.

The hunter had worn such a peaceful expression on his face, and Eric could not help but smile again, thinking that if sleeping on the couch next to Eric's partner for one night was what it took to get Daryl to talk, he did not care one bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think - or just drop me a note about your reaction to that scene.  
> If you feel like I messed up some detail or other (which could totally be the case), please, enable me to correct it by leaving a comment as well.


End file.
